Friday morning

I was pretty emotional writing that letter, and later in the day, I felt kinda silly and very, very crazy and embarrassed.  Thankfully, Andrew didn't think that because he texted me this morning saying it meant a lot to him and I still do, and that to give him a day to write a heartfelt letter of his own.  I told him not to bother, but he kept insisting he be honest.  I told him I just wanted things to be done, even that I wouldn't read it if he did send it.
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Last night with Ryan was so much fun.  I wasn't that emotional anymore and really excited to see him.  One of my roommates was upstairs with her bf so I took him into my room right away.  He brought a 6pack of my favorite beer even though I told him not to.  I really wanted one so I ended up drinking 2, although I wish we hadn't since he can go on forever and I don't feel as good.  We 69ed with me dangling off the bed, and then he spanked me for a while.  His cock is curved downwards, so it was a bit painful when we did it missionary style.  I switched it to reverse cowgirl for the first time and rode him, making sure he had a clear view of my ass and I think he really enjoyed that plus the wonderful view...he came quickly, taking off the condom and cumming on my ass.

After this it got awkward...I went to the bathroom and heard my roommate come downstairs to switch the laundry.  I also started my period!  But Ryan was cool about it and said at least we had our fun first and it was fine.  He kept saying how fantastic my ass was.  My roommate might've seen him as he closed the door but oh well...

So we just talked for the rest of the night and he left at 1:30 since the bar closes at 2 and that was the excuse he gave to his wife.

Thursday afternoon

I texted Andrew asking to talk.  I need to end this, and closure, but mostly...I think I should do the right thing and tell him exactly how I feel: that I like him, he hurt me a lot the first time around, and this time, it still hurts.  Pretty nervous and not sure how this is gonna go down...he didn't seem to care much in his responding texts, but I can't keep bitching at him.  All I can ask for is that he listen...

We are going to talk later this afternoon.  I am writing an email to him because I just cannot wait any longer to say what I have to say

I'm seeing Ryan also tonight.  I hope I'm not too emotional to have a good time with him...

Tuesday night

So, I found out that Andrew is fucking that 17-year-old girl.   He is 32.  Honestly, I felt sick the moment I happened upon it. I pretty much suspected it for some time, but this cements it. Her latest post is a survey in which she describes the person she last kissed, describes stuff such as sleeping in someone's arms almost every day for the past 7 months. I knew this, but did not have absolute confirmation, so I didn't believe it fully. I still believed there was a chance it wasn't true, or maybe it stopped. Really, he has chosen this girl who looks like white trash over me? I mean I know we are seeing other people, but he hasn't tried to see me in weeks. Because of her. She smokes cigarettes, for sakes, yellow teeth, doesn't drink, does not have nice legs, has short hair, including a trashy streak in the front.

I almost wished he tried to contact me again. Now I'm afraid he won't, and I'll get desperate or drunk and text him demanding to know what's going on, what was he thinking? Am I really that unattractive?
I cannot help but miss him, miss the incredible and fun person I always thought he was, and be jealous that she gets to enjoy him, all because she didn't go away to college...he is very intelligent himself and I cannot see how he can keep such conversation with someone like her, watch Dexter, smoke weed, cuddle with his dog...those are all things WE do, and we did long before her, and with his old dog too.  I have so many thoughts running through my head.  I wish I could change things, show him how sweet I can, how I am much more of what he wants...

Andrew kept saying how things would be easier if we lived closer. Because he can clearly see the other girl everyday. It really hurts me that I don't understand this...at 21, I shouldn't feel like I got too old for men to find me attractive.  I mean, I would understand if he was fucking someone closer to his age, or even some chick who is really hot.  This is girl is just gross, I have always thought so, even before I had ANY idea of them being more than friends.

But the more I think about it rationally, Andrew has been treating us lately like such a casual exchange.  I guess that is my fault, since I have never voiced my true feelings, although I'm sure he has some idea, but he isn't that much of a gentleman to refuse a chance to get laid, he is a guy after all.  I am just too messed up.

The only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better is that he still says he's single, he still goes online and I'm pretty sure fucks other girls too. But I don't want to cling onto that...I kept playing Devil's Advocate, saying, at least he's still fucking me, he can't like her that much if I can give him something she can't. But like I said, I can't cling onto this, because for every time we have a good time and everytime he goes out of the way to see me, or something for me, he does it like 7 times as much for her...I wish I had the strength to erase him out of my life completely, just forget him and never ever speak to him. Lol, maybe no need to be that dramatic, but at least to move and remove any ounce of hope. I hope I can be that strong soon.

I wish Ryan was here, but he is married and I won't see him for 2 days.
5 Blessings today:
-Work was good, my new blazer is cute
-My new tire didn't cost as much as I thought
-Ate somewhat healthy today
-Talked to ryan :]
-Have lots of movies TiVoed

Hello World.

I decided to listen to tinybuddha and start journaling...if nothing else, maybe I will know what to say to Andrew if/when we ever talk again and all the things I have issues about.

I was hesitant about posting a blog in case someone found out and could put together details...for this reason, readers may not know a lot of specific information about my life...