Ashley Madison Stalking

Since Corey's wife caught him, he has been super careful.  He turned off his AM profile right away and I thought he was probably done with the whole thing since he had said he would stop cheating after me.  Well, I logged on today and just clicked on his profile out of curiosity, and it was turned back on! He had logged on a day ago.  Maybe he is just looking for curiously reasons.  I know I still look all the time even though I don't want anyone else...

I know we agreed to be not exclusive and he knows I was seeing a guy before I met him, but he kept telling me he wasn't really looking for anyone else, and that I was exactly what he was looking for.  Besides what he also said: he wouldn't cheat on his wife if it wasn't for me.  I do not want to jump to conclusions here, but doesn't it seem a little strange that he is telling me he's so torn about choosing me or his family, and that it's because he really likes me?  He told me yesterday the situation is so hard for him because he "actually likes me which is why he is having such a hard time"

Corey is such a nice guy that it is really hard for me to believe he is lying to me or is trying to play me.   I realize I cannot trust someone who I have witnessed cheating on and lying to his wife.  If he had her fooled, it's certainly a possibility I have been fooled as well.  But he is nothing but sweet and I understand his dilemma--well since I caused it--I'm just too understanding of other people.

I'm sure I won't hear from him for a while since he can only talk at work and it's the weekend.  But this is definitely something I will bring up.

Other thing...I thought he wasn't talking to me for days but he sent me a text on Tuesday that I didn't get it until THURSDAY.  Made for a very confusing conversation.  He had said he sent me a couple random texts too and never heard from me.  I would kinda sound crazy if I accused him of lying, especially since he seemed genuinely confused when I texted him back on Thursday.

And a question/poll for my readers:  how often do you converse with a lover?  On other blogs, it seems some people go days without talking.  But I think Corey spoiled me too early on by talking to me everyday.

Decisions

I am the worst decision maker.  I never think the consequences through and even when I do, I usually still make the choice I know is wrong, but it's always the choice I really wanted.  I wonder if it makes me a coward or pathetic.  While realistically, I know I can do better and find other available non-married men who would happily lavish attention on me, I still want Corey.  I still want to wait for him; here's the story lately...

On Monday he finally texted me.  We talked some talk for a bit and we both apologized for the other night.  He didn't seem to think anything was wrong after that, but a few minutes into our conversation, he could tell I wasn't talking much.  I told him maybe we really shouldn't see each other anymore.  I told him my friends found out (which they did, but not the whole story) and it made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.  The truth was, I got scared when he stopped talking to me, even though it was only for a few days.  Which just shows how crazy I am about him.

Corey then asked me if I was sure I didn't want to talk to him anymore.  I asked why he still wanted to.  I told him eventually he will get caught again.  Finally  he admitted I was right.  I asked what changed his mind.  He said it was me not wanting to...

I said that I didnt want to ask for his time when I knew I would be taking him away from his family.  I said I didn't want to cause any trouble.  He says he is unsure as well and that we probably shouldn't see each other but..."I really don't want to end things."
I asked him, "If you're unsure, then why are we doing this?"  (Last week, his answer was "yes, absolutely" when I asked if he still wanted to see me)
"I know that I have a fucking great time with you and I can actually be myself..."
"Is that enough to continue this?"
"I don't know...I really like seeing you.  What are you thinking?"
"I can't convince you of anything but I don't think I wanna give you up."

We talked about the sex between us and our chemistry.  He said the sex was amazing but he didn't want to lose his family in the end.  He asked me if the sex was that good for me.  I told him yes, but that our compatibility was a huge factor as well, I like hanging out and talking to him too.
He said, "Our compatibility is what's so addictive to me too."
I asked if he would start being faithful if we ended things.  He said he really thinks he would.  I asked if that was his decision.  Once again, "I don't know...I'm seriously torn...I really like you and our chemistry but I can't stand the thought of losing my family."

I told Corey I didn't want to cause trouble for him but that I just miss him.  He said that goes both ways.  A few minutes later, he was leaving work and called me.  I was about to go out to dinner so I couldn't talk long.  I asked him what else we needed to talk about.  It was his decision to make and I was just waiting.  He said that he really didn't want what to talk about but that he just wanted to say hi.  Since I had to go, he said he would just call me tomorrow.

And no, he didn't call me Tuesday at all.  And now it's Wednesday.

I cannot wait for other people.  It's just not in my nature.  Maybe it's my pride or ego or insecurity, but I hate the anxiety, the worry, the ridiculous thoughts.  I need to stop.  I miss Corey before all this happened, when he texted me a million times a day and made me feel really wanted.  And now I need to find someone who does make me feel that way.  He's acting like he's losing interest in me and I don't need that.  But I also don't want to bitch him out because I know he is busy with work, he had told me it was really busy and stressful and that everyone hated him.  So I'll let it be, and try not to fuck up anything.  (I still partially believe that I "fucked with a good thing" by the other night)

The thing is, I also don't want to lose him until I find someone else to hold my interest...
Maybe I should act casual and distance myself from him.  This is how I was in the beginning, and I feel like I fell too fast...maybe I just need to bring myself out, enjoy other parts of my life and not focus so much on Corey anymore.  I can't make any more moves or put myself out there anymore because it is a disaster every time.  But who knows?  Maybe he'll tell me his decision is to not see me anymore. Either way, he can direct this relationship but I will no longer have my walls down.

The waiting game

I went crazy.  I was hoping this wouldn't happen.

It's Sunday evening.  When we left off, it was Wednesday.  I tried to sext Corey, telling him I bought new lingerie.  He just sent me a smiley face and said "really?"  I replied, yes, and that one was his fav color too.  No response.  Didn't hear from him all of Thursday or Friday.

Friday night I got drunk.  I swore I would not bother Corey since I knew he was trying to lay low and had a lot on his plate right now, but I was drunker than I thought.  And once I drunk dialed him, I knew it wasn't going to stop.  He couldn't talk of course so when I got home, he had texted me asking if I was drunk dialing him.  At first, I just innocently asked him why we haven't talked the last couple of times.  He said he had wanted to call me that day (Fri) and the day before too.  But what do words mean if there is no action to support them?  I didn't believe him, but he swears he has been really busy with work.  Not even to take 10 secs to text me?  He said I was right and that he apologized.  But I still don't buy it.  He drives 25 mins to work everyday and that is when he usually calls me.  Maybe if he was taking business calls, then it would be legit if he didn't call me then.  But I can't imagine he was on the phone the entire time, both the drive to and from work, for 3 days.

Corey just kept saying sorry, that he didn't mean to ignore me, that I have to understand he can't talk to me whenever he wants to anymore, that he can't talk around his family anymore, and only at work.  But he doesn't call or text me at work anymore...

I know he doesn't realize how I feel, how when we don't talk for an unusual period of time or when he says he will call but doesn't, that I worry something has happened.  We can only talk so often and so little, doesn't he want every opportunity to talk to me?  I know his focus must be on his family right now and it is very unfair of me to ask for anymore of his time...but I can't help but miss him, and want him to want me as much as I want him.

I asked him if this was how it was gonna be from now on:  I can't contact him, he can only talk when he is at work, so all I can do is wait around for him to contact me?  He replied that I have to understand that he has to be much more careful now, that he can't talk as often or as much as he would like to...
I drunkenly told him that I was sad without him, and he didn't get it.  He asked why would I be  sad when I have such a great life?  I have nothing to complain about in my life, I have been much more fortunate and luckier than others, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own problems and don't experience sadness.  I know Corey is attracted to independent (non-clingy) women, and at the moment I was exhibiting the exact opposite.  I told him that I missed him.  He just said "u too", which everyone knows that just means the guy doesn't really mean it and he types out the least amount of effort.
Then I told him goodbye forever, and he just said "really? ok..."
I said "bye"
He said "Night"
I replied, "Thats it?"
He said, "What do u want me to say??  I didn't say bye...I said night."

I couldn't think of anything to say after that.  A part of me knows the longer we continue this, the worse the ending is going to be.   I think a part of me knew I was doing the right thing by trying to end things before it got too messy.  But don't they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?  I haven't had such good conversation with someone AND really good sex in a long time.  I didn't want to end things with him but I wanted him to convince me not to end things.  I wanted a reason.

I can't tell from our last conversation if he took me seriously or not.  I still haven't heard from him.  How long should I wait?  If he doesn't contact me when he goes back to work tomorrow, should I forget about him?
Or maybe he is giving me space after my crazy freakout?  Or maybe he thinks things really are over?  Of course I cannot tell him that it's not completely over (at least not on my end) because I can't contact him....
I feel that even though we only met a month ago, that the times we have talked and spent together was a very special connection.  But was it special for him?  Does he like me enough to look past my crazy clingy freak-out session?

I can't bear the thought of NEVER hearing from him again, not knowing how he feels, not knowing if it's really over or not...but I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst, I can't go ballistic the next time I drink and demand answers from him.  I don't want to wait around for him, but I do not want to text him first...