Tuesday night

So, I found out that Andrew is fucking that 17-year-old girl.   He is 32.  Honestly, I felt sick the moment I happened upon it. I pretty much suspected it for some time, but this cements it. Her latest post is a survey in which she describes the person she last kissed, describes stuff such as sleeping in someone's arms almost every day for the past 7 months. I knew this, but did not have absolute confirmation, so I didn't believe it fully. I still believed there was a chance it wasn't true, or maybe it stopped. Really, he has chosen this girl who looks like white trash over me? I mean I know we are seeing other people, but he hasn't tried to see me in weeks. Because of her. She smokes cigarettes, for sakes, yellow teeth, doesn't drink, does not have nice legs, has short hair, including a trashy streak in the front.

I almost wished he tried to contact me again. Now I'm afraid he won't, and I'll get desperate or drunk and text him demanding to know what's going on, what was he thinking? Am I really that unattractive?
I cannot help but miss him, miss the incredible and fun person I always thought he was, and be jealous that she gets to enjoy him, all because she didn't go away to college...he is very intelligent himself and I cannot see how he can keep such conversation with someone like her, watch Dexter, smoke weed, cuddle with his dog...those are all things WE do, and we did long before her, and with his old dog too.  I have so many thoughts running through my head.  I wish I could change things, show him how sweet I can, how I am much more of what he wants...

Andrew kept saying how things would be easier if we lived closer. Because he can clearly see the other girl everyday. It really hurts me that I don't understand this...at 21, I shouldn't feel like I got too old for men to find me attractive.  I mean, I would understand if he was fucking someone closer to his age, or even some chick who is really hot.  This is girl is just gross, I have always thought so, even before I had ANY idea of them being more than friends.

But the more I think about it rationally, Andrew has been treating us lately like such a casual exchange.  I guess that is my fault, since I have never voiced my true feelings, although I'm sure he has some idea, but he isn't that much of a gentleman to refuse a chance to get laid, he is a guy after all.  I am just too messed up.

The only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better is that he still says he's single, he still goes online and I'm pretty sure fucks other girls too. But I don't want to cling onto that...I kept playing Devil's Advocate, saying, at least he's still fucking me, he can't like her that much if I can give him something she can't. But like I said, I can't cling onto this, because for every time we have a good time and everytime he goes out of the way to see me, or something for me, he does it like 7 times as much for her...I wish I had the strength to erase him out of my life completely, just forget him and never ever speak to him. Lol, maybe no need to be that dramatic, but at least to move and remove any ounce of hope. I hope I can be that strong soon.

I wish Ryan was here, but he is married and I won't see him for 2 days.
5 Blessings today:
-Work was good, my new blazer is cute
-My new tire didn't cost as much as I thought
-Ate somewhat healthy today
-Talked to ryan :]
-Have lots of movies TiVoed