I tried to stay away

...from this world and live a normal life but I still feel so much for Corey
Some very brief updates:
Corey and I text from time to time, we met up for twice lunch.  Nothing physical happened, we just agreed to be friends.  However, he had to move a couple hours away for work.  I have not heard from him for the past 2 months...he ignored my texts/calls.  Finally I found out he and his wife are pregnant again (they never have sex aside from this, don't even sleep in the same bed).  Although it's been so long since we ended things in February, this just breaks my heart.  Corey still remains as the most perfect guy I have probably ever met.  It devastates me that he is already married and with a family...I don't know what to do...I can't get over him..

I have been seeing Ryan pretty steadily.  He has told me he really likes me, but we both know it's not going to be anywhere.  He is amazing...treats me like a princess.  Got me a very expensive birthday gift, took me on a minivacation.  I almost wish I could fall for him.  At this point, I am planning on moving out of state in less than 2 months, so we are "ending" things then although I hope we can still talk and remain friends....I am so thankful for him.

Corey is never far from my mind though...

Things are happening faster than I can write them...

...with Ryan.  I'll post the juicy stuff first.
He decided to take me to a really nice hotel (Hyatt) last week just for "something different".  We had been betting on March Madness games and I had won "tying him up".  I couldn't figure out how to do it but I had another idea...

We were just hanging out, making out a bit, when I decided to put my plan in action.  First I stripped him naked and told him to lay eagle-spread on the bed.  Then I went into the bathroom and filled up 2 glasses with water.  I took them out and made him hold onto them, and told him not to spill the water.

I put his already hard dick in my mouth and teased him with my tongue.  Ryan does not like to be restrained...I could tell because he kept pushing his hips up, trying to thrust into my mouth.  I kept having to hold him down...should've tied his legs down somehow!!  (Btw, Ryan is 6'5" and weighs 115 lbs more than me.)

I sucked on his cock and bobbed up and down until I decided it was my turn.  I climbed up my body and positioned my pussy over his mouth.  He is a very good boy and knew what to do right away.  I rubbed my clit back and forth on his tongue until I couldn't wait to fuck him.  Turning around, I climbed down and positioned my pussy over his cock, reverse-cowgirl style.  I know how much he likes to watch my ass work his cock, so I sat down and rode him slowly, letting him enjoy the view of his huge dick disappearing into my pussy.

Then I turned around and rode him hard.  He had his eyes closed and was moaning slightly, and kept telling me how good it felt.  It didn't take long for him to cum and he definitely serviced me for the rest of the night...;)
___________________________________

Now this is where it gets complicated.
Ryan asked me to lunch on Thursday (St. Patty's).  This is the first time he has asked me to do something non-sexual or not involving sex.  So we do the lunch thing and we have a good time (as friends).  After lunch, we fool around in his backseat as we were parked in a parking garage.  We didn't have much time since I had to go to work and he was meeting his friends at a bar an hour away.  So we didn't have full-blown sex but still had a lil fun.

As he is about to drive me home, he tells me there's stuff he's been hiding from me.  I knew from the start, he wasn't a very open person and reserved about some stuff.  We've always been "platonic", never romantic or anything...it was sex, we were FWBs, never anything more.  But we had been talking a lot recently and meeting up a lot, so I guess he started to like me a lot more.

Ryan tells me he lied about not having kids.  He has a 2-year-old son, and shows me on the background of his phone.  He says he was sorry for lying, but that he didn't want to appear too old since I was so young.  He didn't think we were going to see each other for that long, and that we would get this close.  He said before he didn't care, but now he cares about being honest with me and cares what I think, etc...his second lie is that he is actually 31, not 30 (not a big deal after the kid thing).

He explains to me that he married his best friend, but they are not lovers.  She's never been a big sex fan, but he figured since they were best friends and good in every other way, things would eventually fall in place.  It never did, and it drove him crazy.  He said divorce wasn't an option because he never wanted to be divorced with a family...his 2 options left was separation or cheating.  He chose cheating.  He said he'd never gotten as close to another girl as me.

Also earlier during lunch, he kept saying something in Mandarin to me that I couldn't figure out (I'm fluent, I moved to US when I was 3), and I told him his accent was too bad.  We tease each other a lot and give each other a hard time about everything.  He then tells me that he was trying to say "You are beautiful".  I felt like an asshole.

I had very mixed feelings about this.  I know I said I only like Ryan as a friend, but I do like the attention from him, and we do have a great time in and out of bed and I want to do whatever I can to keep him. But if he has feelings for me, I'm not sure I can reciprocate.  However, I was still pretty shocked at his confession.  I wasn't pissed, but I was a little sad.  The kid thing definitely makes me feel guilty, and makes the situation complicated.  I wanted to keep thinking of it as a fun thing, but it didn't seem like I could anymore...

Ryan could sense I was kinda upset, but I didn't really want to talk about it. I wasn't really mad about the lying, just the gravity of the situation but he was very worried over my reaction.  He kept asking me to talk about it and tell him how I feel, I insisted on him getting me home.

He left for the bar, but texted me a few times.  He said "Please don't push away".
I didn't answer til I had a few drinks later that night and missed him.

He had also written me a drunk email when I wouldn't answer his texts.  Here's a bit of it:

I knew in my car that you were beyond 'surprised'. Not a big shocker,
I know--I think I was taken back by you non-reply. I guess you pushing away was
inevitable, but I dont want things to change. Maybe I care more than I should,
but I think we connect on a lot of different levels. Your not like most girls,
and I'm not like most guys.  As we are inadvertently becoming closer or better
friends or whatever--I didn't want to lie to you. I never want to seem like a
hypocrite. How you feel about all this does matter to me.

He kept pleading with me not to push away and said his drunk feelings= real feelings.  I told him he was too drunk and I would talk to him in the morning, but that I wasn't mad, just weirded out that he's a dad....

It definitely changes the situation but I still want to continue things the way they are.  I'm sure my behavior towards him will change as I want to try to respect the fact that he has a family...I never want to come inbetween them or take time away from his son.

We've been talking and things have been pretty much back to normal, except he is definitely more open now and we aren't as sarcastic towards each other. 

He also told me something funny...he was so distraught at the bar, one of his friends noticed and was giving him shit for being on his phone entire night.  So his friend peeks over and sees our convo.  Ryan kinda explains that we're seeing each other and like typical guy, he demands they do shots to celebrate! Lol...so now one of his friends know.  I'm glad for him because I knew he did want to be able to talk to his friends about our situation.

Another development

"The more we see each other, the closer we get and the more I don't like picturing you with another guy.  Just being honest."

-what Ryan said to me last time we were together (about 2 days ago)

HNT special edition part II

Here is another one of me and Ryan:

So, sex at movies went well...although I lost my phone!! :(  I never really believe in karma but maybe its retribution for hooking up with married guys??!!?  Oh well...Ryan felt bad and offered me his phone since he is up for an upgrade.

We actually managed to have sex twice before the movie was over.  The hottest part was when I laid down on a row of seats, put my head in his lap, and you-know ;)

HNT special edition

Going to the movies with Ryan later today :P

Here is a pic we took together...

Only going to be temporarily, but he just loves this lapdance position.

A busy sex life

  I had one of the best times with Ryan ever last night.  We had a bunch of hot sex, talked, chilled, drank, and ate sushi.

Although the previous time, we had talked about some things that bothered me.  Ryan admitted he wasn't entirely truthful in the beginning with me.  Not anything big, but he lied about the number of women he had been with outside of his marriage.  It wasn't a huge difference and he said he didn't want to seem like a manwhore.  I wasn't really bothered by the dishonesty because it doesn't really matter to me how many women he's been with--although he also told me he hasn't been with anyone else since he met me--or who he wants fuck now.  But I did give him a really hard time about it because we like to tease each other about everything.

He also described me as "promiscuous", which I acted a little offended.  While I don't believe I am--I think I am just like most college girls, have hooked up randomly but not a while lot--I still don't want to be thought of as that.  I kinda think Ryan is a bit of a prude!  By the time he was 21, he had only been with 3 girls.  Now I compare all my guy friends and their numbers are WAY higher, like 30 not 3....so maybe it's a generation thing?!?  Ryan is like 9 years older than me, and he got married young and tried to stay faithful for  a couple of years.

But anyways, after I brought up these 2 points, I think he was trying to be extra nice to me.  He kept putting his arm around me and trying to cuddle with me, but I acted like I was too ticklish and pushed him away.  While I don't mind cuddling, it might be awkward and I like the friendship thing we have.  I'm sure he doesn't feel anything other than that, but he kept saying how he wasn't getting emotional and that we have a friendship...hmmm I wonder why he was so insistent?  Then he was also having doubts about our swingers club/sex club adventures.  He said he does really want to try 3somes, moresomes, and other sex club stuff, but basically admitted he would get jealous if he saw me take another guy's dick in my mouth.  I jokingly told him we could do 4-way oral with the other couple so no one gets left out.  He seemed ok with that LOL

Since his wife was out of town this week, he didn't have a curfew and didn't seem in any hurry to leave unlike other times before.  It was almost 3am before I told him I had to go.  We had gone a couple of rounds and we were both tired.  I can tell when Ryan is tired because he gets this look like he's stoned.  I think he hintd at wanting to stay the night--he said he brought a change of clothes for work the next day, since we had been drinking--but didn't outright say he wanted me to stay with him, so I decided my own bed would be better.  I'm not sure what would've happened if we had stayed the night....but I didn't want my roommates to think something was suspect with me.

Now the hotel room we got this time was cool.  One wall was a closet, but the outside of this giant closet was mirrors, so it was like having a wall of mirrors next to the bed.
He teased me for a while before he finally put his mouth on my pussy, so I teased him even longer when it was his turn.  I kept just licking the shaft of his cock and the head.  I pressed open-mouthed kisses all along it, but wouldn't take it fully into my mouth.  I could tell he wanted me to suck it so bad because he kept arching his hips to try to shove his cock into my mouth, but I had pretty good control.  I wasn't going to do it until he begged for it.  Finally, he says "No more teasing", so I take him into my mouth,  moving my lips up and down, deepthroating him til I gagged.
Then I got on my knees and he started to fuck me hard.  I looked over to the side and saw us in the mirror...I could see his cock going in and out of me.  He took a video of this too ;)
Ryan loves watching me on top, so after a bit I got on top of him and rode him.  I figured out that he really likes it when I grind back and forth against him, so I did this until he came.
Later we fucked again with me on top, but with my back to the mirror, so I could look behind and see me sitting on his cock.

It looked like this (but without the other guy).  It was by far the hottest image of the night.  Once again, I rode and grinded against him until he came.  He said I look like the hottest thing when I am on top of him.

A night of firsts

It's Monday, I'm snowed in, I don't feel like doing any homework so I will write about Friday night ;)

Ryan and I went to the sex club we had heard about.  It was a lingerie party, so he bought some special underwear and I wore a tiny leopard & lace bra & undies set.

We met up at a strip club beforehand, to drink a little and 'get in the mood'.  Neither of us have ever done anything like this so we were both nervous, thus the drinking and chilling for a bit.  He got there first and got a booth.  Of course as soon as I walked in, I saw a stripper go over and start flirting with him.  I know that is her job, but I'm sure she thought Ryan was quite the prize since he is very cute, tall and has a very nice body.  She looked pretty disappointed when I showed up though!

It took us a while to find the sex club since it was literally in the middle of nowhere.  But it ended up being in a very nice mansion.  The bottom floor looked like a normal house, with a bar and lounges to hang out around.  Upstairs there were 4 rooms.  One had sex toys in it (sybian, cross, etc).  One was the group orgy room with a giant round bed in the middle.  There was a solo room.  The last room was also a group room, but it had 2 sections.  One section had a giant bed separated by curtains, so it became 3 beds in one.

After we had drank a little downstairs and talked to a few of the other couples (it was a small party, there was only 4 other couples), both of us were getting really horny.  It had been a while since we had seen each other, and all the sex talk definitely had us feeling frisky.  The other couples teased us for being new.  We didn't tell anyone that we were just friends, when people asked how long we had been together, Ryan said a few months.  I said about 3-4 months when someone asked me.

Anyways, we snuck out and went upstairs.  We looked at all the rooms again, but decided to go into the group room with the 3 connecting beds.  We took the middle one and started making out.  I took his 9-inch cock into my mouth, sucking on the top and swirling my tongue around the shaft.  I tried to deepthroat him but he is so big I could only do it for a few seconds.  I could hear his heavy breathing, and I know Ryan loves my bj skills :)  Then I climbed up his body and positioned my pussy over his face.  Both of us had wanted to try this for a while now, so it was very hot.  Ryan later told me it really turned him on.  I rubbed my pussy all over his face while he licked at me and stuck a finger inside as well.  I loved it, but I was anxious to feel him inside me.  I got off and turned around so I could mount him reverse cowgirl-style.  He loves to watch my butt as I work  my pussy on his cock...we stayed in this position until Ryan flipped me over and fucked me doggy-style.  Maybe it was the drinking in combination of the atmosphere, but he fucked me so hard.  We were both so horny and so hot for each other that it didn't hurt me at all (sometimes his size can hurt me).  From doggy, we switched to me on top, regular style.  I think at this point, some of the others heard us and came upstairs to watch.   I was very wet and horny, and riding him like crazy.  He got a little soft because he was nervous about people watching us, but we worked through it.  After I vigorously bounced on his cock, he flipped me over again, put my legs over his shoulders and fucked me until he came.

It was definitely one of the hottest sessions we've ever had, if not the hottest.  I would've loved to stay and play some more, but since the sex club was an hour away, we had to leave pretty soon.  We chilled and talked with the other couples for a little bit afterwards, while Ryan gave me a butt & thigh massagge (he owed me).   We saw 1 other couple going at it, and other couple where the girl was giving head to the guy.   It was definitely an interesting experience, but I think Ryan was disappointed that there were not more couples and more attractive people, but he said he had a lot of fun with me.  He is usually not a very affectionate person (we have never cuddled or anything), but since we were pretending to be together, he was a little more affectionate. I think at one point in the night, we even held hands.  It was nice, but it really just made me miss Corey.

Nevertheless, it was a fun and new experience.  Ryan's wife is going out of town this week, so we will probably get together again ;)

Happy Valentine's Day

I'm working on a post about Corey and what happened there for later.  For now, it's Valentine's Day!  I think more people hate this holiday than not, and yes, a boyfriend would be rather nice today but since I don't have one, I will enjoy it with my girl friends and myself :)

Ryan told me last night he was going to send me a vday present.  This morning I got a video of him jerking off :)  Something that I have been asking from him for a while now...(he can be a bit shy sometimes lol)

Happy Valentine's Day lovers!!!! xoxoxxoxo

Some hot conversation...

Came home drunk from the bar the other night...I had been texting Ryan earlier in the day, and of course, when I got drunk, I got horny.  I told him we needed to meet again soon, and he said next week sometime.  By the time I came home, I had promised to webcam for him.

He loves my perky tits so I played with them and my nipples for a while.  I was very intoxicated and pretty much willing to do anything he was telling me.  I started playing with my pussy and fingering myself while he jerked off.  Here is some of our conversation...;)

Ryan: so fucking hot!!!!
Ryan: wow, i want u
Ryan: put your fingers in
Ryan: so hot, i love your pink pussy!
Ryan: ohhh, i wish that was my finger
Me: i want u to fuck me pretty badly
Ryan: your pussy really gets me turned on
Ryan: its all i can think about is sliding inside of you right now
Ryan: i wanna feel your warm juicy pussy
Ryan: how many fingers can you comfortable put?

Ryan: how would u want it right now?
Me: your cock in my mouth
Ryan: u are fucking unbelievable at that!
Me: really?
Ryan: i love it, u cant tell?
Ryan: i will admit, you have the hottest pussy ive ever fucked!

He came a few minutes after that :)

The last thing he said before he went to bed:  okay, your not even here, and you wore me out.  lots of hard spankings for you next time.  good night, and yes i do owe you, so think of something to repay my debt for you getting me off

Help me think of something!!

Superbowl bets and sex

Saw Ryan yesterday.

The day before was the Superbowl.  We decided to make a bet on the game and we were texting back and forth.  We both wanted sex in a public place, and I won, so I decided on a movie theater.  Of course he did not really lose out ;)  He really liked the idea so I am excited...I haven't made out in a movie theater in a long time and there is something really sexy about being in the dark with other people around but unable to see you.

Time with Ryan was great and fun.  He picked me up and we went to a hotel nearby (my car is in the shop).

We just drank and chilled and talked for a while.  Eventually he kissed me and we started making out.  I opened his pants and he started to undress me as well.  He went down on me first, teasing me, tongue on my clit and fingers in my pussy.  I get sooo wet during head.  Then I told him it was his turn.  His cock is big, but I learned how to deepthroat it last time, so I was doing it quite a lot this time.  He was breathing heavily and after a few minutes, put on a condom.  I got on all fours and he took me from behind, hard.  Then he stopped because he said he didn't want to cum yet.  So we fucked in a variety of positions before I was finally on top and started riding and grinding against him.  He sat up and sucked my nipples while I held onto the bed frame and bounced u[ and down on his cock.  When, he came, he told me how hot my body looked riding him on top.

Afterwards, he got cleaned up, gave me a massage, we hung out for a little while longer.  Eventually I got horny again and he pulled me closer to him, we started making out.  I wanted his nice big cock in my mouth so bad, so I scooted down his body, pulled down his boxers and took his soft penis in my mouth.  After a few strokes, it was hard.  I told him to get a condom out and he did, putting it in.  He got out of bed and positioned me at the edge of the bed, licked my pussy a few times, and plunged his cock in.  I put my fingers down there so I could feel his cock going in and  out of me.  So hot...

This was a shorter session, but we had to leave soon.  Ryan dropped me off at home and later texted me that I was extra hot that day ;)

With Ryan it is so easy, it really is just sex...I don't think we've ever even cuddled but I don't mind.  I usually love cuddling, but we have such a casual thing going on, it would just be weird.  With Corey, we're never NOT cuddling.  And although the sex with Ryan is good and fun, the sex with Corey is AMAZING.  It just feels so good because I really like him and he like(d?) me and we have such a chemistry...casual sex is fun but will never be as fulfilling as being with someone you care for...

Are you lonesome tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

-Elvis Presley

It's too painful to go into all the details, but I confronted Corey about the AM thing.  He said he was turning it off...we talked a little more about our situation.  He said something that really resonated with me: that he just wanted to spend as much time as humanly possible with his daughter. 

I realize I can't keep holding onto him or asking him to see me, because I'd be taking time away from his daughter.  I feel so selfish, and guilty.  I told him he was right. 

He must've thought we were going to be ok, because he started talking to me normally, like nothing was wrong, just making small talk.

But I think it's over. 

The fact that he hardly ever talks to me anymore because he's so "torn" between me and his family shows what his decision is going to be...

I don't think he knows it's over but maybe he does...maybe we'll never talk or see each other again, and maybe as of now we are forever gone from each others' lives.

Ryan has been asking to get together.  I am going to see  him later today.  Hopefully it will cheer me up.

Ashley Madison Stalking

Since Corey's wife caught him, he has been super careful.  He turned off his AM profile right away and I thought he was probably done with the whole thing since he had said he would stop cheating after me.  Well, I logged on today and just clicked on his profile out of curiosity, and it was turned back on! He had logged on a day ago.  Maybe he is just looking for curiously reasons.  I know I still look all the time even though I don't want anyone else...

I know we agreed to be not exclusive and he knows I was seeing a guy before I met him, but he kept telling me he wasn't really looking for anyone else, and that I was exactly what he was looking for.  Besides what he also said: he wouldn't cheat on his wife if it wasn't for me.  I do not want to jump to conclusions here, but doesn't it seem a little strange that he is telling me he's so torn about choosing me or his family, and that it's because he really likes me?  He told me yesterday the situation is so hard for him because he "actually likes me which is why he is having such a hard time"

Corey is such a nice guy that it is really hard for me to believe he is lying to me or is trying to play me.   I realize I cannot trust someone who I have witnessed cheating on and lying to his wife.  If he had her fooled, it's certainly a possibility I have been fooled as well.  But he is nothing but sweet and I understand his dilemma--well since I caused it--I'm just too understanding of other people.

I'm sure I won't hear from him for a while since he can only talk at work and it's the weekend.  But this is definitely something I will bring up.

Other thing...I thought he wasn't talking to me for days but he sent me a text on Tuesday that I didn't get it until THURSDAY.  Made for a very confusing conversation.  He had said he sent me a couple random texts too and never heard from me.  I would kinda sound crazy if I accused him of lying, especially since he seemed genuinely confused when I texted him back on Thursday.

And a question/poll for my readers:  how often do you converse with a lover?  On other blogs, it seems some people go days without talking.  But I think Corey spoiled me too early on by talking to me everyday.

My first HNT

Decisions

I am the worst decision maker.  I never think the consequences through and even when I do, I usually still make the choice I know is wrong, but it's always the choice I really wanted.  I wonder if it makes me a coward or pathetic.  While realistically, I know I can do better and find other available non-married men who would happily lavish attention on me, I still want Corey.  I still want to wait for him; here's the story lately...

On Monday he finally texted me.  We talked some talk for a bit and we both apologized for the other night.  He didn't seem to think anything was wrong after that, but a few minutes into our conversation, he could tell I wasn't talking much.  I told him maybe we really shouldn't see each other anymore.  I told him my friends found out (which they did, but not the whole story) and it made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.  The truth was, I got scared when he stopped talking to me, even though it was only for a few days.  Which just shows how crazy I am about him.

Corey then asked me if I was sure I didn't want to talk to him anymore.  I asked why he still wanted to.  I told him eventually he will get caught again.  Finally  he admitted I was right.  I asked what changed his mind.  He said it was me not wanting to...

I said that I didnt want to ask for his time when I knew I would be taking him away from his family.  I said I didn't want to cause any trouble.  He says he is unsure as well and that we probably shouldn't see each other but..."I really don't want to end things."
I asked him, "If you're unsure, then why are we doing this?"  (Last week, his answer was "yes, absolutely" when I asked if he still wanted to see me)
"I know that I have a fucking great time with you and I can actually be myself..."
"Is that enough to continue this?"
"I don't know...I really like seeing you.  What are you thinking?"
"I can't convince you of anything but I don't think I wanna give you up."

We talked about the sex between us and our chemistry.  He said the sex was amazing but he didn't want to lose his family in the end.  He asked me if the sex was that good for me.  I told him yes, but that our compatibility was a huge factor as well, I like hanging out and talking to him too.
He said, "Our compatibility is what's so addictive to me too."
I asked if he would start being faithful if we ended things.  He said he really thinks he would.  I asked if that was his decision.  Once again, "I don't know...I'm seriously torn...I really like you and our chemistry but I can't stand the thought of losing my family."

I told Corey I didn't want to cause trouble for him but that I just miss him.  He said that goes both ways.  A few minutes later, he was leaving work and called me.  I was about to go out to dinner so I couldn't talk long.  I asked him what else we needed to talk about.  It was his decision to make and I was just waiting.  He said that he really didn't want what to talk about but that he just wanted to say hi.  Since I had to go, he said he would just call me tomorrow.

And no, he didn't call me Tuesday at all.  And now it's Wednesday.

I cannot wait for other people.  It's just not in my nature.  Maybe it's my pride or ego or insecurity, but I hate the anxiety, the worry, the ridiculous thoughts.  I need to stop.  I miss Corey before all this happened, when he texted me a million times a day and made me feel really wanted.  And now I need to find someone who does make me feel that way.  He's acting like he's losing interest in me and I don't need that.  But I also don't want to bitch him out because I know he is busy with work, he had told me it was really busy and stressful and that everyone hated him.  So I'll let it be, and try not to fuck up anything.  (I still partially believe that I "fucked with a good thing" by the other night)

The thing is, I also don't want to lose him until I find someone else to hold my interest...
Maybe I should act casual and distance myself from him.  This is how I was in the beginning, and I feel like I fell too fast...maybe I just need to bring myself out, enjoy other parts of my life and not focus so much on Corey anymore.  I can't make any more moves or put myself out there anymore because it is a disaster every time.  But who knows?  Maybe he'll tell me his decision is to not see me anymore. Either way, he can direct this relationship but I will no longer have my walls down.

The waiting game

I went crazy.  I was hoping this wouldn't happen.

It's Sunday evening.  When we left off, it was Wednesday.  I tried to sext Corey, telling him I bought new lingerie.  He just sent me a smiley face and said "really?"  I replied, yes, and that one was his fav color too.  No response.  Didn't hear from him all of Thursday or Friday.

Friday night I got drunk.  I swore I would not bother Corey since I knew he was trying to lay low and had a lot on his plate right now, but I was drunker than I thought.  And once I drunk dialed him, I knew it wasn't going to stop.  He couldn't talk of course so when I got home, he had texted me asking if I was drunk dialing him.  At first, I just innocently asked him why we haven't talked the last couple of times.  He said he had wanted to call me that day (Fri) and the day before too.  But what do words mean if there is no action to support them?  I didn't believe him, but he swears he has been really busy with work.  Not even to take 10 secs to text me?  He said I was right and that he apologized.  But I still don't buy it.  He drives 25 mins to work everyday and that is when he usually calls me.  Maybe if he was taking business calls, then it would be legit if he didn't call me then.  But I can't imagine he was on the phone the entire time, both the drive to and from work, for 3 days.

Corey just kept saying sorry, that he didn't mean to ignore me, that I have to understand he can't talk to me whenever he wants to anymore, that he can't talk around his family anymore, and only at work.  But he doesn't call or text me at work anymore...

I know he doesn't realize how I feel, how when we don't talk for an unusual period of time or when he says he will call but doesn't, that I worry something has happened.  We can only talk so often and so little, doesn't he want every opportunity to talk to me?  I know his focus must be on his family right now and it is very unfair of me to ask for anymore of his time...but I can't help but miss him, and want him to want me as much as I want him.

I asked him if this was how it was gonna be from now on:  I can't contact him, he can only talk when he is at work, so all I can do is wait around for him to contact me?  He replied that I have to understand that he has to be much more careful now, that he can't talk as often or as much as he would like to...
I drunkenly told him that I was sad without him, and he didn't get it.  He asked why would I be  sad when I have such a great life?  I have nothing to complain about in my life, I have been much more fortunate and luckier than others, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own problems and don't experience sadness.  I know Corey is attracted to independent (non-clingy) women, and at the moment I was exhibiting the exact opposite.  I told him that I missed him.  He just said "u too", which everyone knows that just means the guy doesn't really mean it and he types out the least amount of effort.
Then I told him goodbye forever, and he just said "really? ok..."
I said "bye"
He said "Night"
I replied, "Thats it?"
He said, "What do u want me to say??  I didn't say bye...I said night."

I couldn't think of anything to say after that.  A part of me knows the longer we continue this, the worse the ending is going to be.   I think a part of me knew I was doing the right thing by trying to end things before it got too messy.  But don't they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?  I haven't had such good conversation with someone AND really good sex in a long time.  I didn't want to end things with him but I wanted him to convince me not to end things.  I wanted a reason.

I can't tell from our last conversation if he took me seriously or not.  I still haven't heard from him.  How long should I wait?  If he doesn't contact me when he goes back to work tomorrow, should I forget about him?
Or maybe he is giving me space after my crazy freakout?  Or maybe he thinks things really are over?  Of course I cannot tell him that it's not completely over (at least not on my end) because I can't contact him....
I feel that even though we only met a month ago, that the times we have talked and spent together was a very special connection.  But was it special for him?  Does he like me enough to look past my crazy clingy freak-out session?

I can't bear the thought of NEVER hearing from him again, not knowing how he feels, not knowing if it's really over or not...but I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst, I can't go ballistic the next time I drink and demand answers from him.  I don't want to wait around for him, but I do not want to text him first...

Change is the only constant in life

Corey update:
 In every relationship/affair, there comes a point where the pattern of communication changes, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.  Corey calls me almost everyday, texts me a million times a day, but since almost getting caught, it has definitely changed.  I hate sounding paranoid, especially since Corey owes nothing to me and everything to his wife.  His wife stopped talking to him about the issue, even though we are both sure she knows exactly what is going on and is just not going to say anything more because a) she cheated first and b) they have to stay together for their daughter.

This is the first time it is happened.  Corey said he would call me yesterday morning and he didn't.  He ended up calling later (after I called him) and said he totally forgot bc his secretary called in sick and he got stuck with a bunch of stuff to do.  He didn't call me today either.  I texted him a little while ago, and while he answers, he seems a little distant and not as talkative as he usually is.

So am I being paranoid or just an attention whore?  I don't want to make a big deal if it's nothing and I don't want to mess up a good thing.  I always worry when a guy pays a lot of attention to me in the beginning and then it seems to fade.  It's like I want to keep making sure he is still into me.  I hate feeling like this, but I am afraid at any moment Corey can change his mind about seeing me in order to save his marriage.  My situation hasn't changed at all, so I am the one left alone in the end.  It feels like we are getting farther apart while we should be closer...

Ryan update:
I didn't know who else to talk to (I am a single girl and I don't know a lot of married people who are having affairs) so I told Ryan the drama with Corey and almost getting caught.  He thinks Corey may like me too much--which is not a bad thing.  Ryan would never put his marriage at so much risk.  At the first sign, he would stop talking to me and start trying to be faithful to his wife.  But he told me not to believe everything Corey says, which I don't, since I cannot except someone who is lying to his wife to always be honest with me.  But lying is another topic....

Ryan and I have been looking into sex clubs and swingers club.  Not sure if I wanna swap or even do a 3some, but I really wanna watch and be watched.  He found an online directory-type site and made an account.  I went on it yesterday and looked through some of the profiles.  There is some potential there, I think, so I am feeling a lil bit excited :)

Later...

Ok Corey called me this morning on his way to work.  His wife read our entire Skype conversation thread.  There are only a few conversations but it sounds bad.  We talk about everything, including times and places that we have met.  So far he just says one of his friends used his account who is scummy, but he doesn't think she bought it...he is worried, but working on it.  I mean, in the conversations, it sounds exactly like him and also talks about his age and other stuff specific to him.  He mentioned getting an attorney, because he has to prepare for the worst (a divorce), but I highly doubt that is likely and after I talked to him a little, he agrees.

He says that we have to be careful, that I cannot text him randomly at night anymore.  He didn't text me all day, but just called me when he was on his way home from work.  He is going to work on his wife some more, but continued to ask when I had a free day again.  I asked him if he still wanted to see each other.  I would think after almost/basically getting caught, that person would wanna cut things off or not risk his marriage anymore.  His answer was "yes, absolutely".  I asked what would happen with us in either situation.  He says he still wants to see me whether he gets divorced or not (divorce is not very likely though, unless he keeps getting caught).  He made a joke that if he did get divorced, he could basically see me anytime we wanted.  Honestly, I think I sounded more worried than he did, but I know he is.  He just kept saying we will work through it.  When he got off the phone with me, he had just gotten home, so I really really wonder how he is doing now and the conversation he is having with his wife...

Corey says that her cheating was not as bad because they didn't have a kid then.  Corey says he still cares about her, but I know he cheated on her 2 years ago in Miami (March, Ultra), and about 6 months ago when he picked up a Playboy model at the bar.  And he had an affair this summer but it didn't last long.  And those are the times that I know about specifically and I'm sure there are more.

He also said something else that really bothered me; he thinks that everyone cheats eventually.  He says he still believes in monogamy, which I told him he clearly didn't, but I ended the conversation because I didn't wanna argue about it and it doesn't pertain to us anyway...

So now I am not sure if I can text him, which I hate, because we are usually texting and talking all day.  He asked me what time I had class tomorrow and if I could call him between my 2 classes.  He has to work at 8am so I told him he could call me then (he drives half an hour to work).  I guess I won't be able to talk to him til then....

Caught?

Was texting Corey last night when all of a sudden he tells me not to sign on Skype, that his wife found it.  Uh oh.  I know messages are archived on Skype, but not sure if they show up immediately.  We have only used it a few times.  I think he is just worried because he only has like 3 contacts and his wife will be wondering who I am.  Haven't heard from him since...this was about midnight.  I texted him this morning asking what happened and he hasn't texted back yet which is strange because he always texts back and also texts me good morning every morning...so I am a bit worried...:S

I hate all this secretive stuff! I tell my friends everything and I have no one to talk to right now.

Sunday night

I have not been able to talk to Corey much this weekend, but other things going on in my personal life have been distracting me so this has not upset me too much.

I reread some of the emails and chats we had, and I feel like I still need to from time to time just to remind myself that he has a wife, who he probably still loves, since he is not planning on leaving her.  He just says he will try hard to stay with her and continue along this path that is his only option.  But it makes me sad, especially when I read other blogs and try to understand how married men can love their wives but still care for a lover.

Next week, it’s Corey’s daughter’s first birthday.  So I doubt I will see him…but hopefully the week later we can plan something.  Before Corey left last time, he asked when  I had free time again.

More time with Corey

Have not written in a while because I have been busy and happy.  Well as happy as I can be seeing a married man.  Corey texted me the next day (Wednesday), and said something that he thought I was busy or didn't want to hear from him.  I told him of course I wanted to and we resumed our multiple texts a day.

Last Saturday night I had gone out to the bar and was texting Corey at the time.  He jokingly suggested I booty call someone that night since we had both been horny and missing each other.  I went along with it at first, but the further it went, the more upset I got.  I understand he may not be the jealous type, since he said he didn't care if his wife slept with someone else, but I do not like sharing sexual adventures with my other lovers.  I was drunk and started being bitchy.  Fortunately, it did not turn that bad since he is just too nice and I couldn't be mean to him anyways.  He finally said he was joking the entire time, that he knew I was probably seeing other guys since we both said at the beginning there were other people.  But he said the idea of me with other guys does not turn him on, but it doesn't bother him.  He agreed with me when I said we just shouldn't talk about it, even if we do see other people.  And although he says it doesn't bother him that I see other people, he isn't looking for anyone else and hasn't been with anyone else since we first hooked up.  By morning I had become reasonable and he didn't seem upset, just worried about me, so I told him  I still didn't want things to end.  He replied that he could have talked to me all night but knew I had to work all day the next day.  That made me smile but now I don't know what to think.  I guess it shouldn't matter because we are just having fun, right?  But I want him to want only me and not want me to see other people....I know he would never ask me that or even indicate that was ever a problem because he knows he is married and cannot ask too much of me, only that the more we see each other, the better.

Later that day, Corey called me.  He asked about my work schedule next week and the one free day I had, he offered to come see me.  He had mentioned this before, although I think it is a little ridiculous for him to drive 3 hours to see me. He came on Wednesday and stayed for a few hours during the day.  I would've tried to get him to stay longer but it was bath night for his 12-month-old.  I love hearing him talk about her but it also makes me sad because he has a family with his wife now.

Corey has called me a few times on the phone now when he is driving, and I have to say it is much better than texting.  I wonder if it has to do with the fact that we both hated texting during Saturday night bc it's too hard to argue/fight over texting, in fact, it just makes it worse.  Corey also called me yesterday morning, and had mentioned that he is going to a hockey tournament in a large city about 3-4 hours from the both of us in April.  He said I should come party.  I think maybe this means he wants me to go?  Although I am not sure how realistic this is since he will be with his friends.  So I hope this texting and calling thing continues consistently....April may be fun.

Ryan has been gone this past week due to a business trip.  He texted me last night that he was coming back today.  I know he will probably want to see me, but the connection we have is nothing compared to what I have with Corey.  I do not really have a desire to see him anymore, he is nice and fun, but a bit boring.  Not sure it is going to end though.

Tuesday morning

I haven't heard from Corey since the little wink smiley face he sent me on Saturday evening.  I even went to work on Sunday without taking my phone, totally expecting to come home to a text from him but nothing.  It's Monday and he usually texts me good morning (last week he did almost every day) but still haven't heard from him.  I know this is ridiculous considering he did text me last..it's my turn to respond.  But he usually always texts me so much.  I don't want that to stop because last time wasn't as good or he thinks he has me wrapped around his finger already.

I still do not like Andrew and his new gf.  But I'm getting over it.  Refraining from looking at facebook.  I've been trying to list the pros and cons, maybe only stick to the cons....short, not nice body, I can do better, etc...

Although I miss Corey I still can't help but keep thinking about him and his wife, how he thinks she is a great woman and doesn't plan on leaving her even given their situation.  She cheated on him a couple of years ago and he didn't even care.  He says it's ok if she can find someone to spice up her life since the sex between them is not good and awkward...but that he is going to do the same and they are never going to discuss it.  It seems like he just wants an open marriage.  Is he that type of guy?  I don't think I could ever ever be that type of person...

Ryan wants to meet up again.  He is leaving on a business trip next Tuesday for a week so he wants to see me before then.  I told him maybe this Thursday or Friday.

Saturday afternoon

I went and met up with Corey again on Wednesday.  I think I might've had high expectations this time because of how much fun we had last time...it wasn't a bad time at all, but it wasn't that great.  I still really like him, I just expected to get closer and closer...but not sure that is going to be the case.  He talks about his wife about, and talks to her on the phone a lot.

I met him at 2pm and we stayed the night. The first time we had sex almost as soon as I got there, but it was so good.  I was very wet and he was doing me when I was facedown on the bed.  He reached around and rubbed my clit while fucking me.  It felt so good, I thought maybe I could reach an orgasm eventually that way.  He tried to cum in my mouth but kinda missed...he was still hard afterwards so we kept going but he couldn't cum again so we stopped.  After that we were hungry and went to Applebee's to eat.

Corey talked to his wife at least 3 times, which I tried not to hear except when he put her on speakerphone...I'm not sure why he thinks this is appropriate.  Once was in the car and he didn't have much of a choice.  The other time, we were using the hot tub in our room and he had to put her on speakerphone.  He kissed me twice during it, but not passionately, so maybe it was just a weak assurance.

We also happened to do a bit of coke beforehand, since he discovered his boss had given it to him in a pack of cigs.  This might have been a mistake since he had trouble getting it up and I couldn't get turned on at all.  So  it turned a bit awkward...we took a couple of breaks and we had sex twice more, but he wasn't cumming anytime soon, so we decided to stop and sleep/take a break.

I love cuddling with Corey, yet I know this crosses the casual sex boundary.  I wonder if he cuddles and has this intimacy with his wife at him.  He mentioned he usually sleeps on the couch because he doesn't like their bed.  I hate that he calls her "wifey" so affectionately...but they ARE married.

We left the hotel at 8am. We had a quickie at about 7:45ish.  I was getting dressed in my bra and panties and he was still lying in bed.  Corey looked over at me and told me "you should get over here".  I can't resist him.  I went to him in the bed and climbed under the covers next to his naked body. Immediately he started caressing my ass, kissing me, and taking off my thong.  I laid there in bliss as he fingered and licked me til I was wet enough.  Then he climbed between my legs and slowly (because his cock is very generous in girth) eased his cock into me.  He said he still had to cum in my mouth.  He fucked me well for a few mins and then announced that he could cum.  He pulled out and quickly climbed up my body and put his cock in my mouth as he came.  I sucked and cleaned off his cock :)

I'm sure he felt this time wasn't as good as expected...he didn't text me til later the next night.   I texted him back but he didn't text me back...the next morning I inquired if he got my text.  He said he did, but he passed out after.  For someone who always responds to me and always texts me a million times, I thought this was strange.  So it kinda upset me.  He asked how I was doing but I decided I wasn't in the mood to talk to him this weekend.  Corey had mentioned on the phone with his wife that he wanted to go snowboarding this weekend because of all the snow.  I hated finding out his wife's name and also their baby daughter's.  Makes everything seem so much more real.  Maybe this is why he always wants to meet during the week...not sure he could get away for a weekend.

Corey just texted me again, sending a lil wink.  It makes me feel better that he is thinking about me, but this is all about sex.  I don't want it to be.  With Ryan, I don't care...I like him as a friend and also like having sex with him.  With Corey, it is so different.  I keep wondering what it would be like if we met under different circumstances, if he wasn't married, if he would ever leave his wife...all very dangerous categories.  I must stop thinking this.  Should I just keep seeing him and keep things casual?  Should I slowly phase him out or cut him off?

I'm not sure why I feel like being in a relationship, when I know it is not a good place in my life for one.  I cannot stop thinking about marriage and babies....hell, I always say I don't even want all that for like another 10 years.  I'm too young right now.  Maybe I am hanging out with too many old guys.  Maybe I just need a boyfriend my own age!  I have been single for too long and miss that connection and intimacy with someone...

I was gonna stay in tonight, but now I'm thinking about going out and drinking just to get my mind off him and back to reality aka my real life...

Monday afternoon

Bikram was good.  Corey is being so cute, I feel so bad for not texting him back at all...especially since he just sent me a dirty pic.  But I feel like I need to be by myself for at least til tomorrow.

Now I'm wondering if all the tricks in that movie The Ugly Truth really works.  You ignore a guy, and he calls even more.

Couple hours after, nvm, he is getting sad I'm not texting back so I decided to force myself into a good mood.  We are texting and chatting a lot...all day every day.

Monday morning

Corey has texted me several times but I do not feel like answering...I don't want to depend on him to get over Andrew because well, he's already attached...like Andrew.  I'm sure that he still likes his wife, even has sex sometimes, and they probably did it on NYE since she will have sex with him on special occasions.  No use for that.  Just don't want to get too emotional right now.  Going to Bikram in a few to clear my mind, and hopefully get my life back on track.

Also seeing Ryan tomorrow.  I'll be near his work getting my test spot for laser hair removal.  I'm not looking forward to it now but I'm sure I will have fun with him when I actually do see him...just talking is so hard.  xoxo

Sunday night

Just found out Andrew is now in a relationship with her. I knew being friends on FB was not a good idea...I'm glad we aren't friends anymore. I really don't understand it, she is nowhere near attractive enough for him. I think I'm broken
.
I even texted Corey (and I hardly ever text boys first), but now I'm not sure I even wanna talk to him.  I just wanna sleep, get some bikram in, and function somehow.  How can I Be this sad?  I need to be stronger.

Saturday afternoon

I've got to introduce a new guy on AM...let's call him Corey.  He lives 3 hours away but is not looking for someone local.  I started talking to him about less than 2 weeks ago.  His pics were hot...he was cute and gorgeous almost in a gay-boy-looking way, but I decided to give him a chance anyways.  He was very sweet, nice to talk to, veryyy sexy body.  After finding he played hockey in college and was very good (huge turn-on) and the very flattering comments he always gave me, Corey was proving to be pretty attractive.  Plus he is quite successful, running a civil engineering firm at 31.  He also has a daughter, about 1 year old, which made me feel a little guilty, but he still seemed like a good person.
I met him on Tuesday, about halfway between our 2 locations.  We had a couple of drinks at the bar, and the conversation was great.  He was very adorable, even cuter in person.  I just remember seeing him shirtless in the hotel room after, with only his jeans on and looking yummy as hell.

I had told him I was on my period and we were not going to have sex the first time.  But after about 4 hours of getting to know each other, and we didnt want to stop hanging out...he was gonna get a hotel room anyways, and he said we didn't have to do anything.  There was no way I could drive, so it didn't take much to convince me.

We had sex 3 times in a row, all very good.  Corey had told me his dick was a little above average.  When I saw it in person, maybe it was that in length, but in girth it was huge!  I think he liked me telling him it was big...I can't believe no girl has ever told him.  He might have been the biggest guy, or the same width as S.  It was larger than my wrist, and my wrist is 4.5 inches circumference.   I knew S had told me he was a bit larger than 5.5 inches...

It was good, although it hurt a little due to his size.  But Corey was very generous in oral and in playing with me, massaging me, even putting his tongue in my butt.  I really do not want to do anal, and no matter how gross I think it is, a tongue there does not feel bad at all.
I wished he was more vocal...he didn't moan at all.  But he came 3 times, once on my ass, once on my stomach, and once in m my mouth.

Corey and I cuddled all night, kissed and touched a lot.  He told me he didn't sleep well ever, that he was never tired.  He usually slept on the couch at home too, because he didn't think their bed was comfortable but that his wife likes it.  I hate that I like that...I know it could mean nothing, I mean, he married this woman for a reason and it hasn't changed, but I knew it was starting to bother me that he was already wifed up.

We decided we weren't ready to sleep, so we found some porn to both watch and giggle at.  He made me put on Katie Morgan after I had mentioned I met a girl with the same name.  The next one he was had an asian in it.  Then we watched some other one...during all this, he had been playing with my pussy, and also snuck a finger in my backdoor.  He wasn't going at it hard or fast at all, which I really enjoyed--letting me feel everything and get use to it.

True to his word, he woke up maybe about 2 hours after we had fallen asleep for a while.  He just walked up to the window for a sec and then came back to bed to me.  But I had woken up enough to get horny.  I put his soft dick in my mouth and after 3 secs it was hard.  I rode him for a while, but I was getting sore so I stopped and told him.  He was close to cumming but he said not to worry about it.
In the morning we had sex again, although he didn't finish because I was getting too sore.  He still didn't care, he still kept touching me and wanting to fool around.  I complained even his tongue was too rough for my clit so then he moved to my ass.

His wife called and he went outside to talk to her for a while, long while...he came back in and told me he needed to shower.  We only 45 mins til checkout time so I started to get dressed.  He came out as I was putting my boots on.  The look on his face was so cute, and I wasn't sure at first but then he said "Why the hell do you have clothes on?"  He grabbed one of my boots and tossed it aside.  He grabbed my pants and underwear off, and they were stuck around the tops of my boots.  he flipped me around and bent me over the bed, and started going down on me.

After a few mins, we stopped, and just laid there for a while, half-dressed, and talking.  We checked out, and Corey drove me to my car.  He joked about us just taking a vacation in that town for a few days...he dropped hints that he didn't have anywhere to be for while, but I was feeling guilty about his daughter, so I hesitated.  We said goodbye and he really wants to see me again, and while I played coy about it, I really really wanted to see him again.

Maybe 20 mins into our respective drives, Corey texted me why didn't we get some lunch? and that he would have loved to hang out a bit longer at Applebee's.

We've talked a few times online since, cammed once, and hopefully see each other soon.  He even offered to come here if I wanted...a 3 hour drive, each way.  I was really sure he liked me, because he was very spoiling and kept telling me how attractive I was the whole time.  He actually said, while we were kissing in bed, that I was too attractive.  But he also said I was more attractive than the Kardashians...Khloe and Kourtney maybe, but definitely not Kim.  So we just have different tastes in women, but I was glad he was so attracted to me.  I really like Corey and wouldn't mind seeing him like, tonight, even, but I told him I could do Monday and he said maybe. It's tomorrow and he hasn't said anything else about it, so now I'm worried...I hate feeling like this, it means I LIKE this guy.
And I can't like Corey, but he's so great, I'm so jealous of his wife and cannot understand how she isn't attracted to him and doesn't realize how lucky and great of a guy is he?  Our bartender was kinda cold, but Corey was trying to be nice to her, left her a big tip, and just generally is kind, treats people well, has a big heart, and is very positive.  He can also cook and give good massages, and great and generous in bed.  Also he is hot, an athlete and great body.  So I hate that is he married, that he courted, and fell in love with this other woman.  I can't feel like this so soon...I really need to think and distance myself a bit from him.  It's too rash for me to just end things so suddenly, he would be suspicious and I'm not sure which direction these feelings are going to go anyways.  But I do not like this feeling...I can only hope I can relax and go with the flow on this.  I hate that I get antsy when he doesn't text me back quickly, when in the beginning, I had thought that maybe he texted a bit too much?  I need to be casual, cool, about this,  I don't want my emotions to get the best of me like it did with Andrew.
Corey is not so talkative tonight in texts, and its bothering me.  I think I'm gonna go turn a movie and try not to think so much...