Decisions

I am the worst decision maker.  I never think the consequences through and even when I do, I usually still make the choice I know is wrong, but it's always the choice I really wanted.  I wonder if it makes me a coward or pathetic.  While realistically, I know I can do better and find other available non-married men who would happily lavish attention on me, I still want Corey.  I still want to wait for him; here's the story lately...

On Monday he finally texted me.  We talked some talk for a bit and we both apologized for the other night.  He didn't seem to think anything was wrong after that, but a few minutes into our conversation, he could tell I wasn't talking much.  I told him maybe we really shouldn't see each other anymore.  I told him my friends found out (which they did, but not the whole story) and it made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.  The truth was, I got scared when he stopped talking to me, even though it was only for a few days.  Which just shows how crazy I am about him.

Corey then asked me if I was sure I didn't want to talk to him anymore.  I asked why he still wanted to.  I told him eventually he will get caught again.  Finally  he admitted I was right.  I asked what changed his mind.  He said it was me not wanting to...

I said that I didnt want to ask for his time when I knew I would be taking him away from his family.  I said I didn't want to cause any trouble.  He says he is unsure as well and that we probably shouldn't see each other but..."I really don't want to end things."
I asked him, "If you're unsure, then why are we doing this?"  (Last week, his answer was "yes, absolutely" when I asked if he still wanted to see me)
"I know that I have a fucking great time with you and I can actually be myself..."
"Is that enough to continue this?"
"I don't know...I really like seeing you.  What are you thinking?"
"I can't convince you of anything but I don't think I wanna give you up."

We talked about the sex between us and our chemistry.  He said the sex was amazing but he didn't want to lose his family in the end.  He asked me if the sex was that good for me.  I told him yes, but that our compatibility was a huge factor as well, I like hanging out and talking to him too.
He said, "Our compatibility is what's so addictive to me too."
I asked if he would start being faithful if we ended things.  He said he really thinks he would.  I asked if that was his decision.  Once again, "I don't know...I'm seriously torn...I really like you and our chemistry but I can't stand the thought of losing my family."

I told Corey I didn't want to cause trouble for him but that I just miss him.  He said that goes both ways.  A few minutes later, he was leaving work and called me.  I was about to go out to dinner so I couldn't talk long.  I asked him what else we needed to talk about.  It was his decision to make and I was just waiting.  He said that he really didn't want what to talk about but that he just wanted to say hi.  Since I had to go, he said he would just call me tomorrow.

And no, he didn't call me Tuesday at all.  And now it's Wednesday.

I cannot wait for other people.  It's just not in my nature.  Maybe it's my pride or ego or insecurity, but I hate the anxiety, the worry, the ridiculous thoughts.  I need to stop.  I miss Corey before all this happened, when he texted me a million times a day and made me feel really wanted.  And now I need to find someone who does make me feel that way.  He's acting like he's losing interest in me and I don't need that.  But I also don't want to bitch him out because I know he is busy with work, he had told me it was really busy and stressful and that everyone hated him.  So I'll let it be, and try not to fuck up anything.  (I still partially believe that I "fucked with a good thing" by the other night)

The thing is, I also don't want to lose him until I find someone else to hold my interest...
Maybe I should act casual and distance myself from him.  This is how I was in the beginning, and I feel like I fell too fast...maybe I just need to bring myself out, enjoy other parts of my life and not focus so much on Corey anymore.  I can't make any more moves or put myself out there anymore because it is a disaster every time.  But who knows?  Maybe he'll tell me his decision is to not see me anymore. Either way, he can direct this relationship but I will no longer have my walls down.