Happy Valentine's Day

I'm working on a post about Corey and what happened there for later.  For now, it's Valentine's Day!  I think more people hate this holiday than not, and yes, a boyfriend would be rather nice today but since I don't have one, I will enjoy it with my girl friends and myself :)

Ryan told me last night he was going to send me a vday present.  This morning I got a video of him jerking off :)  Something that I have been asking from him for a while now...(he can be a bit shy sometimes lol)

Happy Valentine's Day lovers!!!! xoxoxxoxo

Some hot conversation...

Came home drunk from the bar the other night...I had been texting Ryan earlier in the day, and of course, when I got drunk, I got horny.  I told him we needed to meet again soon, and he said next week sometime.  By the time I came home, I had promised to webcam for him.

He loves my perky tits so I played with them and my nipples for a while.  I was very intoxicated and pretty much willing to do anything he was telling me.  I started playing with my pussy and fingering myself while he jerked off.  Here is some of our conversation...;)

Ryan: so fucking hot!!!!
Ryan: wow, i want u
Ryan: put your fingers in
Ryan: so hot, i love your pink pussy!
Ryan: ohhh, i wish that was my finger
Me: i want u to fuck me pretty badly
Ryan: your pussy really gets me turned on
Ryan: its all i can think about is sliding inside of you right now
Ryan: i wanna feel your warm juicy pussy
Ryan: how many fingers can you comfortable put?

Ryan: how would u want it right now?
Me: your cock in my mouth
Ryan: u are fucking unbelievable at that!
Me: really?
Ryan: i love it, u cant tell?
Ryan: i will admit, you have the hottest pussy ive ever fucked!

He came a few minutes after that :)

The last thing he said before he went to bed:  okay, your not even here, and you wore me out.  lots of hard spankings for you next time.  good night, and yes i do owe you, so think of something to repay my debt for you getting me off

Help me think of something!!

Superbowl bets and sex

Saw Ryan yesterday.

The day before was the Superbowl.  We decided to make a bet on the game and we were texting back and forth.  We both wanted sex in a public place, and I won, so I decided on a movie theater.  Of course he did not really lose out ;)  He really liked the idea so I am excited...I haven't made out in a movie theater in a long time and there is something really sexy about being in the dark with other people around but unable to see you.

Time with Ryan was great and fun.  He picked me up and we went to a hotel nearby (my car is in the shop).

We just drank and chilled and talked for a while.  Eventually he kissed me and we started making out.  I opened his pants and he started to undress me as well.  He went down on me first, teasing me, tongue on my clit and fingers in my pussy.  I get sooo wet during head.  Then I told him it was his turn.  His cock is big, but I learned how to deepthroat it last time, so I was doing it quite a lot this time.  He was breathing heavily and after a few minutes, put on a condom.  I got on all fours and he took me from behind, hard.  Then he stopped because he said he didn't want to cum yet.  So we fucked in a variety of positions before I was finally on top and started riding and grinding against him.  He sat up and sucked my nipples while I held onto the bed frame and bounced u[ and down on his cock.  When, he came, he told me how hot my body looked riding him on top.

Afterwards, he got cleaned up, gave me a massage, we hung out for a little while longer.  Eventually I got horny again and he pulled me closer to him, we started making out.  I wanted his nice big cock in my mouth so bad, so I scooted down his body, pulled down his boxers and took his soft penis in my mouth.  After a few strokes, it was hard.  I told him to get a condom out and he did, putting it in.  He got out of bed and positioned me at the edge of the bed, licked my pussy a few times, and plunged his cock in.  I put my fingers down there so I could feel his cock going in and  out of me.  So hot...

This was a shorter session, but we had to leave soon.  Ryan dropped me off at home and later texted me that I was extra hot that day ;)

With Ryan it is so easy, it really is just sex...I don't think we've ever even cuddled but I don't mind.  I usually love cuddling, but we have such a casual thing going on, it would just be weird.  With Corey, we're never NOT cuddling.  And although the sex with Ryan is good and fun, the sex with Corey is AMAZING.  It just feels so good because I really like him and he like(d?) me and we have such a chemistry...casual sex is fun but will never be as fulfilling as being with someone you care for...

Are you lonesome tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

-Elvis Presley

It's too painful to go into all the details, but I confronted Corey about the AM thing.  He said he was turning it off...we talked a little more about our situation.  He said something that really resonated with me: that he just wanted to spend as much time as humanly possible with his daughter. 

I realize I can't keep holding onto him or asking him to see me, because I'd be taking time away from his daughter.  I feel so selfish, and guilty.  I told him he was right. 

He must've thought we were going to be ok, because he started talking to me normally, like nothing was wrong, just making small talk.

But I think it's over. 

The fact that he hardly ever talks to me anymore because he's so "torn" between me and his family shows what his decision is going to be...

I don't think he knows it's over but maybe he does...maybe we'll never talk or see each other again, and maybe as of now we are forever gone from each others' lives.

Ryan has been asking to get together.  I am going to see  him later today.  Hopefully it will cheer me up.

Ashley Madison Stalking

Since Corey's wife caught him, he has been super careful.  He turned off his AM profile right away and I thought he was probably done with the whole thing since he had said he would stop cheating after me.  Well, I logged on today and just clicked on his profile out of curiosity, and it was turned back on! He had logged on a day ago.  Maybe he is just looking for curiously reasons.  I know I still look all the time even though I don't want anyone else...

I know we agreed to be not exclusive and he knows I was seeing a guy before I met him, but he kept telling me he wasn't really looking for anyone else, and that I was exactly what he was looking for.  Besides what he also said: he wouldn't cheat on his wife if it wasn't for me.  I do not want to jump to conclusions here, but doesn't it seem a little strange that he is telling me he's so torn about choosing me or his family, and that it's because he really likes me?  He told me yesterday the situation is so hard for him because he "actually likes me which is why he is having such a hard time"

Corey is such a nice guy that it is really hard for me to believe he is lying to me or is trying to play me.   I realize I cannot trust someone who I have witnessed cheating on and lying to his wife.  If he had her fooled, it's certainly a possibility I have been fooled as well.  But he is nothing but sweet and I understand his dilemma--well since I caused it--I'm just too understanding of other people.

I'm sure I won't hear from him for a while since he can only talk at work and it's the weekend.  But this is definitely something I will bring up.

Other thing...I thought he wasn't talking to me for days but he sent me a text on Tuesday that I didn't get it until THURSDAY.  Made for a very confusing conversation.  He had said he sent me a couple random texts too and never heard from me.  I would kinda sound crazy if I accused him of lying, especially since he seemed genuinely confused when I texted him back on Thursday.

And a question/poll for my readers:  how often do you converse with a lover?  On other blogs, it seems some people go days without talking.  But I think Corey spoiled me too early on by talking to me everyday.

My first HNT

Decisions

I am the worst decision maker.  I never think the consequences through and even when I do, I usually still make the choice I know is wrong, but it's always the choice I really wanted.  I wonder if it makes me a coward or pathetic.  While realistically, I know I can do better and find other available non-married men who would happily lavish attention on me, I still want Corey.  I still want to wait for him; here's the story lately...

On Monday he finally texted me.  We talked some talk for a bit and we both apologized for the other night.  He didn't seem to think anything was wrong after that, but a few minutes into our conversation, he could tell I wasn't talking much.  I told him maybe we really shouldn't see each other anymore.  I told him my friends found out (which they did, but not the whole story) and it made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.  The truth was, I got scared when he stopped talking to me, even though it was only for a few days.  Which just shows how crazy I am about him.

Corey then asked me if I was sure I didn't want to talk to him anymore.  I asked why he still wanted to.  I told him eventually he will get caught again.  Finally  he admitted I was right.  I asked what changed his mind.  He said it was me not wanting to...

I said that I didnt want to ask for his time when I knew I would be taking him away from his family.  I said I didn't want to cause any trouble.  He says he is unsure as well and that we probably shouldn't see each other but..."I really don't want to end things."
I asked him, "If you're unsure, then why are we doing this?"  (Last week, his answer was "yes, absolutely" when I asked if he still wanted to see me)
"I know that I have a fucking great time with you and I can actually be myself..."
"Is that enough to continue this?"
"I don't know...I really like seeing you.  What are you thinking?"
"I can't convince you of anything but I don't think I wanna give you up."

We talked about the sex between us and our chemistry.  He said the sex was amazing but he didn't want to lose his family in the end.  He asked me if the sex was that good for me.  I told him yes, but that our compatibility was a huge factor as well, I like hanging out and talking to him too.
He said, "Our compatibility is what's so addictive to me too."
I asked if he would start being faithful if we ended things.  He said he really thinks he would.  I asked if that was his decision.  Once again, "I don't know...I'm seriously torn...I really like you and our chemistry but I can't stand the thought of losing my family."

I told Corey I didn't want to cause trouble for him but that I just miss him.  He said that goes both ways.  A few minutes later, he was leaving work and called me.  I was about to go out to dinner so I couldn't talk long.  I asked him what else we needed to talk about.  It was his decision to make and I was just waiting.  He said that he really didn't want what to talk about but that he just wanted to say hi.  Since I had to go, he said he would just call me tomorrow.

And no, he didn't call me Tuesday at all.  And now it's Wednesday.

I cannot wait for other people.  It's just not in my nature.  Maybe it's my pride or ego or insecurity, but I hate the anxiety, the worry, the ridiculous thoughts.  I need to stop.  I miss Corey before all this happened, when he texted me a million times a day and made me feel really wanted.  And now I need to find someone who does make me feel that way.  He's acting like he's losing interest in me and I don't need that.  But I also don't want to bitch him out because I know he is busy with work, he had told me it was really busy and stressful and that everyone hated him.  So I'll let it be, and try not to fuck up anything.  (I still partially believe that I "fucked with a good thing" by the other night)

The thing is, I also don't want to lose him until I find someone else to hold my interest...
Maybe I should act casual and distance myself from him.  This is how I was in the beginning, and I feel like I fell too fast...maybe I just need to bring myself out, enjoy other parts of my life and not focus so much on Corey anymore.  I can't make any more moves or put myself out there anymore because it is a disaster every time.  But who knows?  Maybe he'll tell me his decision is to not see me anymore. Either way, he can direct this relationship but I will no longer have my walls down.