The waiting game

I went crazy.  I was hoping this wouldn't happen.

It's Sunday evening.  When we left off, it was Wednesday.  I tried to sext Corey, telling him I bought new lingerie.  He just sent me a smiley face and said "really?"  I replied, yes, and that one was his fav color too.  No response.  Didn't hear from him all of Thursday or Friday.

Friday night I got drunk.  I swore I would not bother Corey since I knew he was trying to lay low and had a lot on his plate right now, but I was drunker than I thought.  And once I drunk dialed him, I knew it wasn't going to stop.  He couldn't talk of course so when I got home, he had texted me asking if I was drunk dialing him.  At first, I just innocently asked him why we haven't talked the last couple of times.  He said he had wanted to call me that day (Fri) and the day before too.  But what do words mean if there is no action to support them?  I didn't believe him, but he swears he has been really busy with work.  Not even to take 10 secs to text me?  He said I was right and that he apologized.  But I still don't buy it.  He drives 25 mins to work everyday and that is when he usually calls me.  Maybe if he was taking business calls, then it would be legit if he didn't call me then.  But I can't imagine he was on the phone the entire time, both the drive to and from work, for 3 days.

Corey just kept saying sorry, that he didn't mean to ignore me, that I have to understand he can't talk to me whenever he wants to anymore, that he can't talk around his family anymore, and only at work.  But he doesn't call or text me at work anymore...

I know he doesn't realize how I feel, how when we don't talk for an unusual period of time or when he says he will call but doesn't, that I worry something has happened.  We can only talk so often and so little, doesn't he want every opportunity to talk to me?  I know his focus must be on his family right now and it is very unfair of me to ask for anymore of his time...but I can't help but miss him, and want him to want me as much as I want him.

I asked him if this was how it was gonna be from now on:  I can't contact him, he can only talk when he is at work, so all I can do is wait around for him to contact me?  He replied that I have to understand that he has to be much more careful now, that he can't talk as often or as much as he would like to...
I drunkenly told him that I was sad without him, and he didn't get it.  He asked why would I be  sad when I have such a great life?  I have nothing to complain about in my life, I have been much more fortunate and luckier than others, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own problems and don't experience sadness.  I know Corey is attracted to independent (non-clingy) women, and at the moment I was exhibiting the exact opposite.  I told him that I missed him.  He just said "u too", which everyone knows that just means the guy doesn't really mean it and he types out the least amount of effort.
Then I told him goodbye forever, and he just said "really? ok..."
I said "bye"
He said "Night"
I replied, "Thats it?"
He said, "What do u want me to say??  I didn't say bye...I said night."

I couldn't think of anything to say after that.  A part of me knows the longer we continue this, the worse the ending is going to be.   I think a part of me knew I was doing the right thing by trying to end things before it got too messy.  But don't they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?  I haven't had such good conversation with someone AND really good sex in a long time.  I didn't want to end things with him but I wanted him to convince me not to end things.  I wanted a reason.

I can't tell from our last conversation if he took me seriously or not.  I still haven't heard from him.  How long should I wait?  If he doesn't contact me when he goes back to work tomorrow, should I forget about him?
Or maybe he is giving me space after my crazy freakout?  Or maybe he thinks things really are over?  Of course I cannot tell him that it's not completely over (at least not on my end) because I can't contact him....
I feel that even though we only met a month ago, that the times we have talked and spent together was a very special connection.  But was it special for him?  Does he like me enough to look past my crazy clingy freak-out session?

I can't bear the thought of NEVER hearing from him again, not knowing how he feels, not knowing if it's really over or not...but I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst, I can't go ballistic the next time I drink and demand answers from him.  I don't want to wait around for him, but I do not want to text him first...

Change is the only constant in life

Corey update:
 In every relationship/affair, there comes a point where the pattern of communication changes, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.  Corey calls me almost everyday, texts me a million times a day, but since almost getting caught, it has definitely changed.  I hate sounding paranoid, especially since Corey owes nothing to me and everything to his wife.  His wife stopped talking to him about the issue, even though we are both sure she knows exactly what is going on and is just not going to say anything more because a) she cheated first and b) they have to stay together for their daughter.

This is the first time it is happened.  Corey said he would call me yesterday morning and he didn't.  He ended up calling later (after I called him) and said he totally forgot bc his secretary called in sick and he got stuck with a bunch of stuff to do.  He didn't call me today either.  I texted him a little while ago, and while he answers, he seems a little distant and not as talkative as he usually is.

So am I being paranoid or just an attention whore?  I don't want to make a big deal if it's nothing and I don't want to mess up a good thing.  I always worry when a guy pays a lot of attention to me in the beginning and then it seems to fade.  It's like I want to keep making sure he is still into me.  I hate feeling like this, but I am afraid at any moment Corey can change his mind about seeing me in order to save his marriage.  My situation hasn't changed at all, so I am the one left alone in the end.  It feels like we are getting farther apart while we should be closer...

Ryan update:
I didn't know who else to talk to (I am a single girl and I don't know a lot of married people who are having affairs) so I told Ryan the drama with Corey and almost getting caught.  He thinks Corey may like me too much--which is not a bad thing.  Ryan would never put his marriage at so much risk.  At the first sign, he would stop talking to me and start trying to be faithful to his wife.  But he told me not to believe everything Corey says, which I don't, since I cannot except someone who is lying to his wife to always be honest with me.  But lying is another topic....

Ryan and I have been looking into sex clubs and swingers club.  Not sure if I wanna swap or even do a 3some, but I really wanna watch and be watched.  He found an online directory-type site and made an account.  I went on it yesterday and looked through some of the profiles.  There is some potential there, I think, so I am feeling a lil bit excited :)

Later...

Ok Corey called me this morning on his way to work.  His wife read our entire Skype conversation thread.  There are only a few conversations but it sounds bad.  We talk about everything, including times and places that we have met.  So far he just says one of his friends used his account who is scummy, but he doesn't think she bought it...he is worried, but working on it.  I mean, in the conversations, it sounds exactly like him and also talks about his age and other stuff specific to him.  He mentioned getting an attorney, because he has to prepare for the worst (a divorce), but I highly doubt that is likely and after I talked to him a little, he agrees.

He says that we have to be careful, that I cannot text him randomly at night anymore.  He didn't text me all day, but just called me when he was on his way home from work.  He is going to work on his wife some more, but continued to ask when I had a free day again.  I asked him if he still wanted to see each other.  I would think after almost/basically getting caught, that person would wanna cut things off or not risk his marriage anymore.  His answer was "yes, absolutely".  I asked what would happen with us in either situation.  He says he still wants to see me whether he gets divorced or not (divorce is not very likely though, unless he keeps getting caught).  He made a joke that if he did get divorced, he could basically see me anytime we wanted.  Honestly, I think I sounded more worried than he did, but I know he is.  He just kept saying we will work through it.  When he got off the phone with me, he had just gotten home, so I really really wonder how he is doing now and the conversation he is having with his wife...

Corey says that her cheating was not as bad because they didn't have a kid then.  Corey says he still cares about her, but I know he cheated on her 2 years ago in Miami (March, Ultra), and about 6 months ago when he picked up a Playboy model at the bar.  And he had an affair this summer but it didn't last long.  And those are the times that I know about specifically and I'm sure there are more.

He also said something else that really bothered me; he thinks that everyone cheats eventually.  He says he still believes in monogamy, which I told him he clearly didn't, but I ended the conversation because I didn't wanna argue about it and it doesn't pertain to us anyway...

So now I am not sure if I can text him, which I hate, because we are usually texting and talking all day.  He asked me what time I had class tomorrow and if I could call him between my 2 classes.  He has to work at 8am so I told him he could call me then (he drives half an hour to work).  I guess I won't be able to talk to him til then....

Caught?

Was texting Corey last night when all of a sudden he tells me not to sign on Skype, that his wife found it.  Uh oh.  I know messages are archived on Skype, but not sure if they show up immediately.  We have only used it a few times.  I think he is just worried because he only has like 3 contacts and his wife will be wondering who I am.  Haven't heard from him since...this was about midnight.  I texted him this morning asking what happened and he hasn't texted back yet which is strange because he always texts back and also texts me good morning every morning...so I am a bit worried...:S

I hate all this secretive stuff! I tell my friends everything and I have no one to talk to right now.

Sunday night

I have not been able to talk to Corey much this weekend, but other things going on in my personal life have been distracting me so this has not upset me too much.

I reread some of the emails and chats we had, and I feel like I still need to from time to time just to remind myself that he has a wife, who he probably still loves, since he is not planning on leaving her.  He just says he will try hard to stay with her and continue along this path that is his only option.  But it makes me sad, especially when I read other blogs and try to understand how married men can love their wives but still care for a lover.

Next week, it’s Corey’s daughter’s first birthday.  So I doubt I will see him…but hopefully the week later we can plan something.  Before Corey left last time, he asked when  I had free time again.

More time with Corey

Have not written in a while because I have been busy and happy.  Well as happy as I can be seeing a married man.  Corey texted me the next day (Wednesday), and said something that he thought I was busy or didn't want to hear from him.  I told him of course I wanted to and we resumed our multiple texts a day.

Last Saturday night I had gone out to the bar and was texting Corey at the time.  He jokingly suggested I booty call someone that night since we had both been horny and missing each other.  I went along with it at first, but the further it went, the more upset I got.  I understand he may not be the jealous type, since he said he didn't care if his wife slept with someone else, but I do not like sharing sexual adventures with my other lovers.  I was drunk and started being bitchy.  Fortunately, it did not turn that bad since he is just too nice and I couldn't be mean to him anyways.  He finally said he was joking the entire time, that he knew I was probably seeing other guys since we both said at the beginning there were other people.  But he said the idea of me with other guys does not turn him on, but it doesn't bother him.  He agreed with me when I said we just shouldn't talk about it, even if we do see other people.  And although he says it doesn't bother him that I see other people, he isn't looking for anyone else and hasn't been with anyone else since we first hooked up.  By morning I had become reasonable and he didn't seem upset, just worried about me, so I told him  I still didn't want things to end.  He replied that he could have talked to me all night but knew I had to work all day the next day.  That made me smile but now I don't know what to think.  I guess it shouldn't matter because we are just having fun, right?  But I want him to want only me and not want me to see other people....I know he would never ask me that or even indicate that was ever a problem because he knows he is married and cannot ask too much of me, only that the more we see each other, the better.

Later that day, Corey called me.  He asked about my work schedule next week and the one free day I had, he offered to come see me.  He had mentioned this before, although I think it is a little ridiculous for him to drive 3 hours to see me. He came on Wednesday and stayed for a few hours during the day.  I would've tried to get him to stay longer but it was bath night for his 12-month-old.  I love hearing him talk about her but it also makes me sad because he has a family with his wife now.

Corey has called me a few times on the phone now when he is driving, and I have to say it is much better than texting.  I wonder if it has to do with the fact that we both hated texting during Saturday night bc it's too hard to argue/fight over texting, in fact, it just makes it worse.  Corey also called me yesterday morning, and had mentioned that he is going to a hockey tournament in a large city about 3-4 hours from the both of us in April.  He said I should come party.  I think maybe this means he wants me to go?  Although I am not sure how realistic this is since he will be with his friends.  So I hope this texting and calling thing continues consistently....April may be fun.

Ryan has been gone this past week due to a business trip.  He texted me last night that he was coming back today.  I know he will probably want to see me, but the connection we have is nothing compared to what I have with Corey.  I do not really have a desire to see him anymore, he is nice and fun, but a bit boring.  Not sure it is going to end though.

Tuesday morning

I haven't heard from Corey since the little wink smiley face he sent me on Saturday evening.  I even went to work on Sunday without taking my phone, totally expecting to come home to a text from him but nothing.  It's Monday and he usually texts me good morning (last week he did almost every day) but still haven't heard from him.  I know this is ridiculous considering he did text me last..it's my turn to respond.  But he usually always texts me so much.  I don't want that to stop because last time wasn't as good or he thinks he has me wrapped around his finger already.

I still do not like Andrew and his new gf.  But I'm getting over it.  Refraining from looking at facebook.  I've been trying to list the pros and cons, maybe only stick to the cons....short, not nice body, I can do better, etc...

Although I miss Corey I still can't help but keep thinking about him and his wife, how he thinks she is a great woman and doesn't plan on leaving her even given their situation.  She cheated on him a couple of years ago and he didn't even care.  He says it's ok if she can find someone to spice up her life since the sex between them is not good and awkward...but that he is going to do the same and they are never going to discuss it.  It seems like he just wants an open marriage.  Is he that type of guy?  I don't think I could ever ever be that type of person...

Ryan wants to meet up again.  He is leaving on a business trip next Tuesday for a week so he wants to see me before then.  I told him maybe this Thursday or Friday.